What would this world be like without pain? Would it be better? Would a world free of tears and heartache be as pleasant and joyous as I imagine? Would a world free of anguish and despair be as beautiful as I have dreamed? At some point in time, just about everyone has wished they could make the pain go away. It doesn’t matter from what. It doesn’t matter what made you cry or feel pain. What matters is the pain. I know I sound crazy and trust me, I’m not a fan of getting my heart broken. And I remember a time, when my heart was ripped out and stomped on. I remember when it felt like a billion tiny needles were pricking my heart all at once with every breathe I took. I remember feeling this inescapable pain. It was as if someone had gotten a hold of me and wouldn’t let go. As if I was trapped in a web of venom because everything I felt, saw, or did reminded of him. Reminded me of who hurt me and and made my knees buckle because I didn’t understand why. I didn’t understand why someone would want to experience love if it was going to end like this. I thought to myself if this is what love is I want no part of it. I wanted out. And then I realized i had an out. It was simple I could ignore the pain. I could pretend like it never existed. I could make it all go away. And i did.
But this pretending thing is a tricky business. When i was in grade school a teacher told us that we should always face our problems head on because if we didn’t they wouldn’t go away. She said it was like putting some bananas in the back of the cupboard instead of throwing them away. For a while they would be gone and out of site, but after sometime you would begin to smell them. Then you would have more problems then if you had just faced it head on. That was her way of trying to explain to us to face our fears. But I find as I get older i have more fears and more anxiety. I have more things that scare and worry me. It becomes easier to escape the pain to escape the problems. Some people hide in alcohol, drugs, ect. Some people, hide inside themselves. I tried that once. Going numb. It seems like its working for a while then out of nowhere I would start to cry uncontrollably or i’d have a fit of rage. It was just like my teacher had said about the bananas. My troubles were resurfacing, also known as being triggered. And the harder I pushed them down the more aggressively they came back up. Until one day I was forced to face them. That day I cried like I had never cried before. I cried for hours. I feel asleep crying and woke right back up crying. I just cried and cried. By this point I had shoved so much of my pain down that I was releasing all of it at once.
But after I cried for a really long time. I realized just how much better if felt. I mean after the huge headache went away. I could walk by things that reminded me of him. I could talk about him. I could actually do things that made me happy without fear that I was going to burst at the seams. It was amazing. I was free. I was free from the chains that I had put on myself. You see when someone hurts you. They do you a grave injustice, but when you don’t let yourself heal but grieving and forgiving them. You punish yourself. I know this sounds cliche, but it happens to people all the time. We give power to the person that hurt us by choosing to remain hurt. Instead of allowing the healing process to begin. We kill ourselves. The worst part is the person that hurt you is probably off in Hawaii vacationing and wouldn’t be able to tell you from a stranger.
Trust me, I know its hard to forgive them. I know its even harder to let it go. And if your as unlucky as I am. You may even having him showing up places you are to torment you. This just makes the grieving and forgiving part all the more important. Embracing the pain is the only way to get rid of it. You can try running or hiding, but they don’t work for long. The only real solution is to face it. And when you do, you’ll begin to understand my third favorite quote in the world. ”
Without winter spring would not be so pleasant, without the taste of adversity prosperity would not be so welcome. ~Anne Dudley Bradstreet” Without pain and suffering we would never be able to appreciate the beauty that is love. With out horrible relationships its hard to know when you have a good one in front you. Just don’t get so caught up in the pain that you don’t move forward. It wont’ be easy but it will be worth it. Embrace the pain and keep moving because that pain will be a battle wound that you’ll be able to tell a fallen soldier one day. Embrace it then let it go.