A few years ago, I wrote a blog on The Truth about Love.  It amazes me that I was so dead on about somethings and so off key about others. I mean that entire blog has very little to do with Love. It has a lot to do with understanding your goals, desires, and what drives you but not love. Using the word doesn’t make it love. To be honest, I just hadn’t experienced enough of life yet. It’s amazing what can happen in two years. It never ceases to surprise me with where we can end up in such a short period of time.

Love. I’ve been in love. Multiple time. Varying degrees. I’ve fallen head over heals in minutes and I’ve worked to love someone. I’ve jumped in feet first and I’ve looked long and hard before I moved an inch. And I stand her telling you that Love is in-explainable. It is an emotion that is central to MY personality. I honestly love love more than I care about people. I’m in love with the idea of falling in love. It’s an addiction. That feeling is so euphoric . It’s so magical and special that I just want to keep recreating it. I honestly think I enjoy the heartbreak too. I mean i’m more driven in heartbreak and the harder I fall the faster and further I rise.

My last heartbreak was excruciatingly painful. Imagine with me if you will, having someone shoves a knife into your heart while force feeding you hot coal. It was so painful. I honestly, do not believe my vocabulary is large enough to truly paint the picture of the pain I was in. Am in. It hurts. It hurts to breathe, to listen to music, to exist. Just being hurts. It feels like I had a part of my soul removed. A part of my life just ripped out. And whats worse is he doesn’t feel the same way. He is happy and in love. And i’m here on the sidelines. I want to move on. I want to just press forward. And I am slowly, but it’s so hard to keep moving. I honestly just want to sit down in my sorrow and never move again, but that would be ignorant of me. Because I know that this all happened for a reason and shockingly, I’m already seeing the upside.

I was never in a relationship… I just thought I was… I just wanted so badly for him to love me… That I created a relationship out of air… He played along, and I don’t blame him. I’m a pretty good housewife. But we were never together. I never made him laugh or smile from ear to ear. He never came home and just wanted to cuddle with me. He never really wanted me. Just my actions. Just the rewards of my obsession with love. He’s not a bad person. He’s actually a really good friend. But I never loved him. I loved the convenience. I loved the idea of a ready made happy ending. I tried to just create one. To make his mold fit mine. If I sit here and think about it. He isn’t mister perfect for me. He isn’t what I need, honestly he’s barely what I wanted. He was just a convenience  A friend who needed me and I created the rest. I’m not mad at him. I’m not in love with him anymore, at least not as deeply.

I needed to go through all of that. I needed to mold my world around someone elses and have it shattered, so that I would FINALLY realize that there was something seriously flawed with my logic. I was living life the ending. Not enjoying the journey. So fixiated on where I wanted to end up and this plan I had. That I completely lost site of the point. It’s not just about the ending. It’s about the journey. It’s about getting to that ending. If you just end up at the end it won’t mean the same. If I just woke with millions of dollars I would spend like crazy. But if I worked really hard, accomplished all the REAL TANGIBLE goals I set for myself. And the product of that hard work was millions of dollars I think I would spend it differently. On different things.

I’ve been a prisoner of my own making. My own ideas of success and happiness. Living in these lofty ideas instead of being the me I was always meant to be. Instead of loving the way I know I can. Instead of shining as brightly as possible. I’ve been so caught up in what I am “suppose to be” “suppose to accomplish” that I lost me. I lost her. I lost what makes me so unique. What makes me come alive. And as it turns out there are a lot of things that bring me to life in a way that I’d forgotten was real. They make me feel so over joyed and full of energy and hope and peace. Oh, Sweet Peace. There is nothing like it in the world. Just feeling this completely overwhelming sense of Love and Calmness. Nothing like it.

And i’m learning more about me everyday. I’m becoming the best version of me, and I never would have made it to this place without my last love. Without him I would not know what true Peace feels like. And all that pain. Even when it comes creeping back in is so worth it. It’s all worth it. And love. Love is a choice. You choice to Love people. Falling in love is easy. Staying in Love. That’s real work. But choosing to love yourself. Choosing to be the best version of you. Choosing to improve you life. Your real one. Not the one on tv or in your head. The one that will produce true physical tangible results. Choosing to love you. Choosing you. It’s all worth it. All of it. I can now go out with people places and enjoy it. And when I don’t, I don’t force myself to because that’s what people do. I move on. I keep moving.

In life you will be giving a plethora of opportunities, but none of them will yield the results you want and need if you don’t choose you. I’m not the only one i’m talking to… I charge you to stop living in the TV on the reality shows. I charge you to stop living in your head. Stop comparing you to other people or older versions of yourself. Make your reality where you want to live. Make real life as amazing as your day dreams. Make this life, the only one you have, worth every second. And all of that starts with Choosing YOU. Choose your happiness. And everything else will fall in place.